In and Out of Darkness
by Sushishu
Summary: Spoilers for ST:ID. Spock's perspective as Kirk is revived, and what becomes of their friendship as life resumes after the Khan disaster. Pre-slash and slash of the Kirk/Spock nature.
1. Revival

I HAD to write this. Saw Into Darkness last night and was flailing the whole way through. I thought I was dying. GO SEE IT before you read this. I recommend it highly. Afterwards I just had to write this. It's a bad first draft but at least it's out of my head. Too much passive tense, ugh. It will be continued, read and review and give suggestions for improvement if you have them! Totally unrelated to Charged Moments. Characters don't belong to me!

* * *

"He's our only chance to save Kirk!"

Uhura's shout rang jarringly through Spock's brain, cutting the distraught rage that had been pulsing through him. Kirk was dead, Spock saw the life leave him and was unable to do anything, couldn't even sooth the fear his captain felt.

Yet as these thoughts ran through him, another side of his mind thought logically about the possibilities presented by an individual like Khan. In a split second he knew – they must get Khan back on the ship alive.

* * *

McCoy had ordered all of the concerned crewmembers out of the ground medical unit. Half of them were still supposed to be with the ship for God's sake. He allowed one nurse, and Spock, to stay as he readied the blood vial and removed Kirk from the cryo-tube. Spock was tense and silent, hands gripped behind his back as he stood at Kirk's left shoulder. The transfusion was quick, but there was no immediate sign of change from the monitors. McCoy had shown Spock the tribble but, as no tests had yet been run on humans, Spock calculated a 48.92% chance of success regarding the revival of James Tiberius Kirk. The continued flat line was maddening.

An hour later McCoy returned from dinner with some fruit, setting it on the chair next to Spock.

"That is appreciated, Doctor."

"You should go get some rest, Spock. If Jim's numbers change I had Scotty rig an alarm to alert me immediately. You will be the next to know."

Spock looked away from the monitors, fixing McCoy with a dark look. "I will stay."

* * *

Spock arose from his trance to a quiet beep. He brought his head up sharply and watched the machines, holding his breath. _It cannot be_.

Another beep, a spike in the heart monitor and a flare of machine activity as the body's other functions began to run again. Spock let out a small noise, lurching forward to place a hand on the captain's chest. It was warm again. The heart under his hand was slow, as all humans' were compared to the Vulcan organ, but it was beating. _He is alive_. James Tiberius Kirk is alive!

Spock's hands came up to his face as he knelt next to the biobed. He is distantly aware of his rapid breathing, too fast, and the sound of a door swishing open as McCoy comes running in. Some yelling – the doctor is yelling at the unconscious captain, half furious and half ecstatic. _You idiot bastard don't ever do that again!_ Spock hears through a fog, and in minutes McCoy is shaking his shoulders, shouting at Spock now. He cannot move, then he feels the minute pinch of a hypospray on his neck before he sinks into sleep.

* * *

"Who knew the hobgoblin could even experience shock? Here Spock, eat something. You've been out for only three hours but you didn't eat any of the goddamn fruit I paid for earlier." Spock opened his eyes, automatically running mental scans of his body for damage. He briefly considered arguing with the doctor about his earlier state, but instead he accepted an orange from McCoy and sat up in the biobed, intending to eat until he heard the whir of machines across the room. His head came up at breakneck speed.

"His systems are functioning normally. He might stay asleep for a few days due to the extent of the damage done by the radiation and due to the introduction of foreign cells. His body has to adapt. But he _will _wake up." McCoy looked from Kirk back to Spock as he finished, dead seriousness apparent in his eyes. "Now e_at_."

Minutes later the doctor left, mentioning something about the civilian patients waiting in another hall of the medical unit. Spock finished eating quickly and rose from the bed, crossing the room and returning to the chair he'd previously occupied next to Kirk's prone form. After studying the captain's face for a long moment, Spock brought his hand up to the side of Jim's face and almost hesitantly found the meld points.

Mostly darkness. His unconscious mind was quiet, but as Spock probed a little farther into Kirk's mind he saw strokes of color, vague shapes, then the brilliant splash of Kirk's thoughts. The heart could have been lying to him, but this. This was Kirk, not just his body. Spock knew Kirk would not feel his presence at this time, and in the privacy of their minds he allowed his deep relief and complex struggle concerning the emotions he'd experienced since Kirk's death to flow through the meld. He was familiar with many of the feelings, the concern and the guilt and the grief mirroring his mindset back when his planet had been consumed and he'd lost his mother. However, the other emotions caught up in between were vague and confusing: a deep ache in what felt like his heart, pleasant and painful at the same time, and a strong sense of being _alive_. Kirk had been dead, but Spock had not ceased to function, so why was he responding to the revival as if the roles had been reversed?


	2. For Being Alive

Kirk woke up to the glare of a white room, whiter than the med bay on the Enterprise. The immediate protest from his body at any movement clues him in to the fact that this is not, in fact, what death looks like because death shouldn't _feel_ like he's been hit by a truck. Eyes crack open and –

"You were barely dead, it was the transfusion that really took its toll. You were in a coma for two weeks." Bones. _I'm __**alive**_. Kirk blinked and thought hard, he remembered breathing hard, brain going fuzzy and his last glimpse of Spock before he succumbed to a heavy sleepiness that seemed to fall over him like a suffocating blanket. 'Barely dead,' but dead. "Transfusion?"

"Your cells were heavily irradiated. We had no choice." He was fiddling with a tri-corder, as if this was just another routine checkup. Kirk's whole body still ached.

"Khan?"

"We synthesized a serum from his... super blood. Tell me, are you feeling homicidal, power-mad, despotic?" _Thank god for Bones_, Jim thought. Leave it to him to make this as comfortable as possible. Kirk didn't know if he could handle anything too heavy at this point, his head still reeling from waking up alive again. "No more than usual." Was it appropriate to smile at this point? Kirk felt lost, muddled and confused as if he'd awakened on a completely new planet. What emotions are supposed to dominate when you come back from the dead?

He was pulled out of his thoughts as Bones stepped aside and Kirk looked up, his eyes meeting Spock's as he stepped forward to Kirk's bedside. The deep brown irises looked calm, but behind it there was a sense of relief that brought Kirk back to the moment the Vulcan pressed his hand against the glass and Kirk's failing heart twisted painfully as he saw Spock cry for the first time in his life.

"Thank you." _For everything. For being there when I needed you. For inspiring me to be the kind of captain that you would be proud of. For saving me._

"You are welcome, Jim."

* * *

It had been three days since Kirk's waking. Bones still wouldn't let him leave the medical center, but Spock had been cleared to stay after visiting hours when Kirk requested it so he could enjoy someone's company in the otherwise empty room. They refrained from discussing anything that might cause Kirk stress – he was advised to keep his heart rate down as he recovered. For the past 72 hours Spock had been an almost constant installation beside the bio-bed, as certain as any of the machines monitoring the captain's status.

At some point on the third day Spock had disappeared for a moment, returning (to Jim's relief) with a chess board and a PADD. The corner of Spock's mouth lifted indulgently as Kirk declared his enthusiasm for a friendly game, and he sat at the bedside with the intention of using one of the nearby nightstands to set up the game.

"Spock, it'll be easier for both you and me to get comfortable if you climb on up with me and we set the game on the bed." Jim looked almost bashful as he said this, but at the same time he pushed himself up and pulled his legs towards his body, indicating the ample space for the game board and the Vulcan.

"Captain, it would be unwise to disturb your current-"

"I've been immobile for too damn long, you know I need to move around. Get up here."

Spock looked down momentarily, hesitating slightly before placing the chess board on the sheet in front of Kirk's crossed legs and sitting lightly to fold himself onto the bed opposite the other man. Kirk had already shaken the pieces into a heap on the board. Spock reached forward to help place the pieces at the same time Kirk's hand moved to pick up a pawn – their fingers faintly brushed together before Spock managed to pull away.

An almost violent spark shuddered up the Vulcan's arm and he looked up sharply. Kirk was staring at the space between their hands now, he must have felt it too. His eyes flicked to Spock's, a question waiting on his lips (Spock couldn't help but look there now, watching his mouth tense with uncertainty).

Another beat of the two men watching each other bumped by before Spock busied himself with the chess pieces again, controlling the physical urge to blush. This was the first time he'd come into direct contact with the captain since his shallow meld with the unconscious Kirk.

"Black or white, captain?"

* * *

"Hey Spock?" Kirk mumbled drowsily towards his first officer on the afternoon of the fourth day, the last he would be confined to the awful, uncomfortable bio-bed. Spock murmured back softly, a sound of complacent encouragement without moving from his seat. Both men had been silent for about an hour since their last chess game, secretly listening to the subtle shifts of skin and breaths the other took (although Spock was considerably less fidgety than Kirk even when the captain was sleepy – Spock made almost no sound). Nevertheless, they listened for each other's signs of life.

"When I… when I was in the radiation chamber-" Spock's face darkened noticeably as he sat up quickly to observe Jim. Neither of them had spoken of the events on the _Enterprise_ since Jim's awakening, other than to discuss the repairs being made to the ship. "-and you were there…" Jim shifted slightly to turn his gaze to Spock's. "I was scared. You know that, I told you… But I don't want you to think you weren't able to help." Spock stiffened almost imperceptibly at this. Both of the men looked a bit pained as he continued.

"You… have been really important – one of the most important influences – in my life since we… since you became my first officer." Kirk was blushing lightly, but he kept his eyes on Spock. "When you held your hand to the glass – to mine… I wasn't as worried anymore. You _did_ help, Spock. You were there."

Spock could feel the tips of his ears going slightly green as he looked down minutely and back at Kirk. "I am gratified that you found my presence assuaging, Captain."

"Please Spock, please call me by my name. If anything, we're close enough for that." Spock noticed a very faint air of disappointment coming from Kirk, similar to what he'd felt when Kirk said he'd miss Spock before the tragic meeting of captains at Starfleet headquarters.

"My apologies… Jim. I am more grateful, however, that you are alive and well, considering the circumstances we faced in the past few days." The captain perked up at that, smiling at Spock's small confession of emotion.

"What I wanted more than anything though… at that moment," Kirk spoke slowly and quietly. "Was to feel your hand without the glass between us." Spock flushed green at this, unable to stop himself. "I wanted to feel some connection, anything at all, before I – left." Jim looked down at his own hands, examining his palms with sudden ferocity. "I needed something – one more thing to make the fear disappear."

Spock didn't breath for a few seconds. He wasn't used to this ache in his chest, the same that had pulled at the tendons in his throat when Kirk came back to life. Looking down to his own hands folded on his lap, he took an inhaled and raised his palm, fingers relaxed apart, up to shoulder level, facing Kirk.

Kirk looked up from his hands with shock visible in his eyes. With an excruciatingly slow movement, he raised his arm as well, skin meeting skin deliberately this time when he pressed his open palm to Spock's. The electric feeling was less evident this time – instead a slow warmth spread from their connected fingers and Spock reveled silently in the flow of relief and comfort and _life_ that stemmed from the other man. He closed his eyes for a moment.

When he opened them Jim was staring intently, their hands still pressed together as they locked eyes. "Thank you." Spock had spoken this time, Kirk looking back at him in confusion. "Thank you… for being alive, Jim."


	3. Knowing

I'm SORRY for the huge hiatus, I'm in Australia right now and I've been super fucking busy with work for the past few months. I will update more frequently from now on, probably expect two or three more chapters in this little fic. Read, review, suggest improvement! It makes me oh so happy.

* * *

Lieutenant Nyota Uhura is not a blind woman. She prides herself on her excellent analytical skills in terms of sentient beings' interactions: this was her job as communications officer. She knows and understands. This is why she breaks up with Spock.

They hadn't spent much time together recently: Spock spent nearly every moment in the medical bay and Uhura had taken the brunt of the paperwork related to the incident while the captain and first officer were both incapacitated by Kirk's recovery. She doesn't resent either of them; on the contrary she wept with relief (in private of course) when she was informed by Scotty of Jim's miraculous comeback. She can't imagine an Enterprise without Kirk by now, even if he is pig-headed and brash most of the time.

After hours of repair reports and mission debriefs with surviving crew members, Uhura eats dinner alone in one of the apartments provided for crewmembers for the next year. Her hair comes down from the tight, professional ponytail. She sits on the luxurious mattress, pulls her knees into her chest, and mourns for her relationship, because she knows and understands.

She knows it is cowardly to break up with someone without being face to face, but she consoles her wounded pride by reasoning that she has no other reliable way of reaching Spock. The Vulcan hasn't been seen outside of the medical bay and she doesn't feel like having this discussion in front of Kirk, unconscious or not. Therefore, she tugs her PADD across the bed and opens a private communication link, typing quickly and efficiently for a minute or two before closing her eyes and pressing the send button without hesitation. Communication is her specialty.

* * *

The PADD blinks during a chess game, preventing Spock from definitively crushing Kirk's bold offensive strategy. He excuses himself ("I warn you that I will notice, Jim, if you have cheated while I'm occupied") and takes the PADD to the other side of the room, where a chair leans next to a bio-bed covered in mission reports and other pieces of information regarding the recent events. All this would be moved the next morning to his personal quarters, as it was Jim's last required night in the medical center. He assumes the message from Uhura must relate to the work she's been doing on completing all the relevant paperwork of the incident and what was decided about the fate of Khan and his crew. He sits at the makeshift table, eyes flicking up to Kirk as the captain fidgets and twirls around the castle he'd managed to snag from Spock's arsenal, before refocusing on the PADD.

_Communication sent 19:47 by: Nyota Uhura_

_Subject: no subject_

_Don't worry Spock, the paperwork is under control. I'll send the technician's report on the status of the core tomorrow. This message is to let you know that I've decided to take some time to focus on myself. After the events of late I feel that our relationship cannot continue in the same way, so I am using this opportunity to end it. I understand this may come as a shock, but do not think this action is born of any malice toward you. There is an apt Earth expression: 'I need space.' Everyone was affected by the loss of the captain and I firmly believe you and I should take time to act as friends to each other and to the rest of the crew. This is what all of us need right now: the support a friend. Kirk needs your support particularly as he recovers, so let him win a game of chess every once in a while. _

_We'll speak again soon, be well._

_Nyota_

Spock blinked slowly at the screen after reading, tilting his head and allowing the slightest frown to pull down the corners of his mouth. Nyota's explanation was logical, but he knew from previous experience over the past few months that a relationship was not supposed to be based on logic. Nyota had told him as much several times. He didn't know exactly what to think at this point, nor what to feel. Strangely, the suggestion of returning to a platonic friendship with the lieutenant did not create as much unease as he would have expected. Truthfully, he'd been far too concerned with the captain's recovery to ponder his connection to Nyota in detail.

Spock returned quietly to the bio-bed on the other side of the room, wordlessly removing the extra bishop Kirk tried to sneak onto his side of the board as he settled back on the opposite of the board. The blond man didn't even try to look sheepish about cheating as he spoke up.

"What was the communique about Spock? Took you a bit longer than usual." Kirk idly shifted around on the bed, only stopping short to look up wide-eyed at Spock when he replied.

"Lieutenant Uhura has conveyed her wish to return to a platonic friendship for the time being." Spock seemed to say this as casually as was possible for a Vulcan as he moved a chess piece into position on the board. Kirk didn't say anything for a minute, brow furrowed as he tried not to blurt out anything that might upset his first officer.

"Damn, Spock. I'm sorry. Are you okay with that?" Spock's gaze lifted to lock with Kirk's.

"I am, as my mother would say, just fine. I did not expect this development, but I am not adversely affected by her decision if this is what she wishes."

Both men were silent for a minute before Kirk's face morphed into a smirk and his eyes lit up. "I know the perfect remedy for this, Spock!" He swung his legs around, jostling the chess board, and jumped to the floor, wavering for just a second before he stood up and stretched. "We're gonna go get you a drink! Trust me, a break up drink is a must for anyone, even a Vulcan!"

"Captain, that idea is highly illogical considering you are supposed to remain in the medical bay for one more evening before Doctor McCoy releases you. Furthermore, you are not in any condition to-" Spock was caught in the shoulder abruptly with one of the bed's pillows.

"C'mon Spock, I've been feeling just peachy since Day 2 of my imprisonment here and you and I could both use a drink. My treat! Now if I could just figure out how to find some clothing…" Kirk started rifling through cabinets and drawers in the corner of the medical bay, not even caring that his medical robe was slinking slowly down and revealing an increasing stretch of lower back as he shifted around. Spock couldn't find the words to let him know.

"Captain… Captain. Jim." Kirk's face swung around to look at Spock at this. "If I acquiesce to accompany you for a drink this evening, will you in turn agree to return to the medical bay in the morning for Doctor McCoy's final checkup before you relocate?"

Kirk beamed. "Yeah Spock, anything you say! Hey, can we stop by your room first? You need to change into something less stuffy and I'll just borrow from your extra clothing!"

Spock's eyebrow twitched just slightly. This could not be a good idea.


End file.
